And now for something inspirational

This video made me cry also.... but because it is so beautiful... watch for yourself then you'll know what I mean.

Is it Change?

Watching this video literally brought tears to my eyes. First off, its Oprah. Even if you don't like her politics, her show, her hair do, or whatever, you have got to respect her as a business woman. Seriously. She produces and distributes her own show, rather than just being on-air talent-- which means she maintains full artistic control. There's also her magazine... and her angel network and her reading club. OK so now you know, even though I never watch her show, and I don't even tape it, I am a fan. She's awe-some and inspiring. And I am a sap.

Then you have Barak Obama. He's pretty inspiring too. Watch for yourself.


But all this made me think. Did you know that only 56% of Americans who are eligible vote? That is an embarassing statistic. I realize it is a right, not an obligation, but how disrespectful is it to let our troops fight for us, to encourage our government to preach democracy, and then not even exercise or own rights?

We have free and fair elections (usually, unless you're in Chicago, in the old neighborhood, where your landlord's son is the block captain....) Polls are usually conveniently located in your own neighborhood, open from 7 am until 7 pm or so. Plenty of time before or after work to drop in and cast a vote. And there's even mail in voting. Yes, I realize it takes some time to study up on the issues. And believe you me, here in California there are plenty of issues! But in my opinion, that is part of the deal. If you don't like it... well there plenty of countries out there where the government makes all the decisions for you. I won't suggest you move, rather I would suggest you take a minute to think about that, and get thee to a voter registration booth!

Happy Chrismukkah Every One

My friend Tamar posted a great primer on Hanukkah, the festival of lights, over on her blog. I met Tamar in New York this past March when I went to the BlogHer conference.

You ever meet someone with whom you find a connection even though you live entirely different lives? Tamar was one of those people. One of the most fascinating things, for me, is the fact that she lives half the year in Israel... one thing that impresses me in reading her blog is how important her faith is to her, how it is interwoven into her life and not in an in-your-face kind of way. She is not a torah-thumper, but rather she just shares bits of her life and her faith happens to be a part of it. (most of my friends are heathens like me)

Anyway, if you've ever wondered about Hanukkah, read her post. Let's join her in eating "...oil-rich foods featuring potato pancakes and Hanukkah donuts called sufganiyot ....commemorating the miracle of the oil that burned for eight days."

And most importantly, let's all join her in "remembering all those children everywhere who desperately need light to shine on them" this holiday season.

If Only I Had Known

WASHINGTON, Dec 6 (Reuters) - President George W. Bush will unveil a plan on Thursday aimed at slowing a wave of home loan foreclosures that has threatened to knock the U.S. economy into recession and rattled investors worldwide. ...MORE...

OK, now I am not so naive as to think that our president is out to save poor people from losing their homes, but rather INVESTORS and BANKS from losing their shirts, HOWEVER, had I known there would be a government bailout, perhaps I would have purchased a home I knew I could not afford.

Like many, especially here in Southern California, I've been watching the housing market absolutely skyrocket out of control. I've been wanting to buy my own place. I've been diligently saving money, only to watch the prices move even further out of reach. But wait! I could have qualified for a zero down, hundred percent financed interest only loan. But no, silly me opted to go the old fashioned route, and look for property and/or a mortgage I could afford. And I blew it. I'm still a renter.

How about you?

I'm just so honored to be nominated....

It's bullshit. I want to win. I'm tired of being nominated. Yeah, I said I didn't really care, that I was so honored to get invited in for an interview.... that I totally would understand if they had the single, non-soccer mom, non-property-owner, no tax deductions, north county coastal liberal perspective covered.

But I lied.

I lied to myself. I care. It sucks that I was rejected. Again.

I really wanted to be a part of the Citizen Voices project.

So sure, it was an honor to make it to Round 2, to be asked to submit additional writing samples. It was an honor to be asked to come in for an interview... to drive an hour out of my bubble to get stuck in traffic on the way home... to meet a bunch of really cool people and have a great conversation that we called an interview. But dammit, I'm disappointed.

So why not me?

My new friend Aaryn sent me a link to this:
http://elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm

My sister said, "I know just how you feel, Jenn. When I was a dancer I was rejected all the time for lots of reasons which had nothing to do with my talent: not tall enough, not thin enough, not fat enough, not blonde... " reminding me that being in any creative endeavor, you need to have a tough skin.

Not sure I have a tough skin, but I do have a lot of awesome people cheering me on from the sidelines.
--

You're Invited

If you're in the San Diego area, you're a fan of spoken word art, you know me, you want to meet me, you want to meet great writers in San Diego, you already know me and haven't seen me in a while, or you have nothing else to do on the First Friday of December 2007..... then come to the San Diego Writers Ink First Friday Third Anniversary / CD Release Party!
DATE: Friday, December 7, 2007

The evening starts at 6 pm. Come early to get a good seat, mingle with fabulous writers and nosh on literary delicacies (that's good food with a fancy name).

Readings start at 7 pm.

If you'd like... bring three minutes of prose to share.

Giveaways --including a Sony Reader-- will be dispersed throughout the evening.

COST: Tickets only $5 at the door!

WHERE?

Swedenborgian Hall
4144 Campus Ave. San Diego

AND... to get you up to speed on the performances from the past year, order your BEST OF CD "First Friday: The CD of Year 3" supporting San Diego Writers, Ink.
--yeah, a little shameless plug there, I'm one of the best of....
-

Poetry or prose?

Notes of Rhapsody
in blue-green flow around me
lucid, fluid sharps and flats clarified by perfect Cs
round like pebbles
laying in the shadows
of leafy trees
along the waters edge.

KPBS Citizen Voices Project. Round 2

Yeah me! I made it through to Round 2, and the producer has asked for more writing samples.

Let me preface the next commentary with saying that 1. I love KPBS and 2. I welcome the opportunity to apply for the Citizen Voices project and 3. I have no idea how I would choose blogger/writers...

HOWEVER.

The email request has been weighing heavy on my brain for the last four days:

We've finished reviewing applicants and have narrowed it down to a very small group. You're in that group and we're requesting a bit more information to better understand everyone's political leanings. In no more than one sentence for each issue, let us know where you stand:


War in Iraq:

Immigration:

Health care:

Education:

Taxation:

Gun control:

Same-sex marriage:

Abortion:

Separation of Church/State:


In addition, we'd like to see more of your writing. Please respond (in 300 words or less) to this question:

If the presidential election were tomorrow, who would you vote for and why?

eeeeegads! The last assignment-- to sum up who you are, and your "unique perspective" in 500 words-- all of the sudden seems easy!

Issues like those listed above are far more complex than one sentence. I admit I stretched some of those answers as far as I could while still maintaining one, creatively long sentence. Hopefully that kind of creativity will count in my favor.

Anyway when I know more, I'll share.

On another note... through my blog, and my application for the Citizen Voices project I "met" Aaryn, writer of RubySoho blog. We compared notes via email, read each others submissions, commiserated over the fact that we were "going for it" even though it was scary, and wondered what other San Diego bloggers had applied... She didn't get into the narrowed down group. I'm bummed, as I'm sure she is as well. Do stop by her blog. Give her a read. She really is a good writer, and her posts and pics about her daughter are particularly fabulous.

I'm Better Out Loud!

My entry, Letters From Heaven, was selected for San Diego Writers, Ink Audio Anthology : Year 3.

Whew. After all the rejection I was feeling like maybe I am not a writer. But maybe, just maybe I am better out loud than on the page.

The coolest part is that we get to re-record our submission at the KPBS (public radio) station.

If you want a sneak peek, check out the September Stories over at the First Friday Prose website. If you want to hear me live and in person, come to the Third Anniversary Party for First Fridays on December 7th.

Needle Ninny

Been meaning to post this for a while.... my sister, like me, is not especially fond of needles. Unfortunately, since she has breast cancer, she's been forced to deal with a lot of needles. And she has gone one step further even, doing acupuncture, voluntarily even. I'll let her tell you in her own words:

http://video.nbcsandiego.com/player/?id=162500

sorry I couldn't find a way to embed the video here, but go ahead and click if you are 1. curious about my sister 2. interested in acupuncture and how it could help breast cancer survivors.

More random thoughts about The Fire

Tamar asked me in an email how I felt about Arnold's and W's response. I didn't really know how to answer. The governor has been here. A lot. The president is coming tomorrow. I guess its nice to not be the orphan stepchild of Los Angeles for a change, and I think it may be kind of exciting to see these folks close up and personal if you're in an evacuation center. Maybe it even makes you feel special, like The Government cares. I don't know. I see a lot of back slapping and everyone feeling proud of themselves for how coordinated we all are this time around. Not a lot of quality information coming out of these press conferences.

The reverse 911 calling worked. I got a call that said I should be prepared. I was. Thankfully I never got a follow up Mandatory Evacuation call. Our last big fire, Firestorm 2003 I think it was, caused the death of 15, and I don't know how many injured. Residents did not get out fast enough. Lots of people were caught unawares. This time they were being cautious. I'm ok with that. Better safe than sorry. Next time lets use the cell phone system. Lots of folks don't have land lines anymore. (those young whippersnappers)

It doesn't appear to be too chaotic here. I think we learned a lot from the Katrina as well as the Firestorm 2003. I suspect it won't be long before we forget. We'll rebuild on land that needs to burn to live. We'll rebuild where there is not enough water. SDGE will get their new powerline. And so it goes. Until the next fire.


MISCELLANEOUS NEWS VIA KPBS TWITTER:

Resource: people suffering with stress following the wildfires can contact the Orange Co Emergency Op Center hotline

Therapy first. Housing, clothing second. --Only in So Cal.

Walmart donated 1 million to the Red Cross today with $400,000 in supplies, Wells Fargo gave $500,000 and SAIC gave $100,000

Maybe Walmart isn't the evil empire.

Community members are looking for volunteers to help knit blankets for anyone that lost home

Aren't there some knitting bloggers out there?? email sandiegowildfireblankets@gmail.com to hook up (that's crochet talk for connect) with the folks looking for knitters

Relief Push at Qualcomm Includes Acupuncture, Massage, Comedy

hmmm. not sure about the acupuncture thing. Sort of like getting kicked when you're down? of course I'm a needle phobic so what do I know.

Items needed at Qualcomm: Diet soda, store bought socks and under garments, feminine products

Diet soda! Please, I neeeeeeeed a diet soda! and I need it now!

Fire Watch Continues

Even though I am at work, its all we're talking about. And now the fire fighters have set a back fire in Camp Pendleton to protect the nuclear plant and transmission lines.

A few random thoughts:

We are advised to conserve energy because a major transmission line is down. Funny. SDGE wants to build a new transmission line that is very controversial. Not that I think the fire is some sort of conspiracy to showcase the importance of the new Sun Rise Power Link but I do wonder about the urgency, especially in light (no pun intended) of our recent Enron-created power shortage.

I finally see a use for Twitter. KPBS is using twitter to create a sort of publicly accessible newswire. Much more useful than knowing that someone just picked his nose or tied her shoe.

Fire is scary.

Fire is beautiful.

Neighbors help neighbors. Local radio station 94.9 FM let KPBS use their signal to broadcast news when the KPBS tower was lost due to the fires. Thank you. I will make an effort now to listen more to FM 94.9 when I am in the mood for music. It doesn't hurt that they are already on my car presets and their music rocks.

Some advice if you DO evacuate your home. Leave your gate open. Apparently some folks may have lost their homes because fire fighters could not get past their security gates.

I'm glad I don't smoke anymore... not only would I still be a social outcast, and smell bad, I would have to be standing outside in this nasty air. yuck.

I have too much stuff. And most of it is not very important. How sad is that.

For a brief moment, I thought how liberating it would be to have everything burn. I said to my sister, "Just think, we wouldn't have to worry about what to do with all that stuff from Dad's condo." At first she said, "Jenn. Don't even THINK that." Then she admitted she had the same thought.

Thanks to everyone who has inquired about my health and safety either via email or via the blog. I"m fine. Debby is fine. Our homes are fine. All our stuff is fine. Kitties are fine. All in all Life is Good.

where there's hope

The voluntary evacuation order for my neighborhood has been lifted. Solana Beach is safe. For now. I didn't really think I would have to evacuate, or that Solana Beach would be in any real danger, but I was ready.

Sunday started out like any other Sunday. Or rather any one that I spend with my sister. We went out to the new Nordstroms Rack. She was looking for shoes. I think. And I just went to keep her company. We ended up at The Rack, and Lohmans too, and a quick stop in Ulta Beauty... and lunch, and the next thing I knew it was 5pm and I was exhausted. And a hundred dollars poorer! oh well. We had fun.

After dropping Debb off at her house, I continued on South from Encinitas to Solana Beach, driving south on El Camino Real, to where it turns into Manchester Ave to the I-5. As I turned the corner from El Camino, I turned right into a massive grey orange cloud bank. Visibility was lacking. I called my sister and said, "Do you have the news on? what is going on? it's like I'm driving into Armageddon."
"She didn't have the news on, I told her I would call her when I got home."

The drive home was eerie. Quiet and orange and hot. As I got closer to my house the visibility worsened. I was sure my house was on fire. But there were no fire trucks so that didn't really make any sense.

My roommate Susann was home when I returned and I said "WTF? is going on?" and she told me the fire was in Ramona. She had thanfully closed all the windows so the cinders were not in the house. much. Ramona is like 25 miles away. Inland. Waaaay inland. I know this because my friend Jill lived there until very very recently, and going to her house took hours. Ok, maybe only 45 minutes. But Ramona is OUT there. I used to have clients out there (when I did QuickBooks consulting) and I would make them pay a 3 hour minimum instead of the standard 2, because Ramona is OUT there!

ANYWAY. Watched some news. Had some dinner. Went to bed. Woke up at 6 am-- Thank you kitties-- and turned on the news... everything was burning. EVERYTHING. EVERYWHERE. The sky, the air was orange. Ashes were falling like snow.

Several calls with my sister later, I decided to start packing the car up just in case. It's amazing when you look at your stuff, and look at your VW Beetle, and realize that even with the back seat folded down flat, the car just really doesn't fit that much stuff. And what's important?

Me. Sister. Roommate. Kitties. Puppies. In that order. Fortunately I didn't need room for my sister or my roommate, or Chico (the chihuahua). But still, there's not much room in the trunk of a VW Beetle.

I opened my closets (yes I have several) and stared at the stacks of things on those top shelves, those shelves that when you first move into a place you wonder what you will need them for. I stared at the stacks, the cute pseudo milk crates from the container store that hold my hats, my purses, my ... um... can't really say what's in the other two. I scanned the suitcases, the arms from my office chair, the books that I have deemed not worthy to be showcased in my offical bookcase and wondered what the heck I need all this stuff for!

Then I moved onto the garage and stared at all the boxes of things, the china, the doll collection that was my mothers, the Christmas ornaments from my childhood, things I inherited from my grandparents... what it came down to was: family photos, the slides I have not yet digitized, the papers from my Dad's as yet unsettled estate, the green and yellow afghan my mother crocheted for me before she died, the jewelry-- even though much of it is costume it is of sentimental value, my journals so that when I become a famous writer and am dead there will be an archive of my work, some clothes, my dopkit, my favorite pillow, a blanket and a beach chair. Of course my laptop computer, with aforementioned great as of yet unpublished book on its hard drive. Because if I lost it all in a fire, I would need hope.

What would you take in an evacuation? what would you need to keep you going?

View Larger Map

kitties are more fun than Armageddon

I should be blogging about the fires. I could pick any one of the seven fires burning in San Diego County. Even the one that is marching towards my house. (We're on standby for evacuation right now here in Solana Beach) INSTEAD. I will share with you photos of my new kitties.
** note ** I tried to upload a video, but for some reason it does not work. I'll try later.

instead, here's a photo of Calliope. Muse of Epic Poetry.



and Clio. Muse of History.

Kitties Kitties and More Kitties

This is Cider. For now. She is 4 months old. She is mine. She is crazy. She is sweet. She wants to lick my nose at night. She is crazy.

This is Apple. For now. She is 4 months old. She has a moustache. She is mine. She is quiet. She is Cider's sister.

I wanted one. But when I found out they were sisters I couldn't break up a family.

They both need new names. I'm toying with Calliope and Clio (muses and sisters). If anyone has any famous sister names give me a holler.

More pictures coming soon. If they stay still long enough.

PS they are from Helen Woodward Animal Shelter. They are spayed already.

Did I forget to mention...

I just applied for a blogging gig. For KPBS radio/tv.

KPBS is recruiting bloggers for an election-based project called Citizen Voices. Six people will be selected to blog as "citizen journalists" for KPBS.org from January 2008 through November 2008. Selected applicants will be trained (beginning Nov. 2007) in journalistic ethics to maintain fair and accurate writing. Those selected will represent diverse perspectives (culture,life experience, gender, and geographic) and write about how election issues affect their lives and their communities. In addition to being published on KPBS.org, bloggers will periodically be featured on-air on KPBS Radio and TV..... continue reading about the Citizen Voices Project ->

As part of the application, they requested a cover letter (300-500 words) outlining your (my) experience, along with a professional resume and clips of any published work.

How in the world do you sum up who you are, and your "unique perspective" in 500 words. I didn't even get to MENTION the fact that I am writing a book. And that I have a cat that just died. And my sister has cancer.

It's so hard to know what to put in, and what to leave out.

I barely touched upon my political views. Or the fact that although I say I am left leaning I am so disgusted with the politicos on BOTH sides of the aisle, and that I am tired of the divisivness, and the personalization, and demonization within our own nation, and that I can say that in rhyme. Should I have mentioned my idea for mandatory political service by lottery? sort of a draft for congress? Or my uncle's idea to curtail lobbyist spending by moving the capitol to Boise... think about it.

At one point I had revealed that I'm an NPR-o-holic but I figured the convulsions said it better. Should I have written that I like long walks on sandy beaches at sunset, and I enjoy fine wine and foreign movies? nevermind. wrong ad.

The fact that I studied Spanish Linguistics is on my official resume, but it doesn't fess up that my Spanish gets really good after a couple shots of tequila. Or that I can say "Please pass the butter" in German.

And I didn't include the fact that I could PODCAST my blog posts, recording on my M-Audio digital recorder, and my fancy Beyer microphone (with XLR to 1/4" cable) and I can edit my own audio and lay in a music track, and ...

Oh well. It's done. I applied. A continuation of the year of Why Not Me.

So, dear readers-- all five of you-- I thought I would share my little essay. All about me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. And when you're done reading... we can talk about you. Just leave a comment and tell me what YOU think about me. Old joke, I know.

I am applying for the Citizen Voices project. My writing skills, experience as a blogger, passion for public radio and interest in politics would make me a great citizen journalist for KPBS. Of course I think my perspective is unique. I believe we all have more in common than not, politically, socially, and culturally. I do admit to leaning to the left but I strive to be fair, and to listen to all sides of an issue before I make a decision. Perhaps its my Libra rising. And perhaps that is my tongue in cheek salute to my California roots.

I scan the Union Tribune with my morning coffee and count on my commute to keep me up to date and ready to good-naturedly debate friends, family and co-workers. I drive to work listening to Morning Edition and on the way home I catch Marketplace. I nearly went into convulsions when I found out that I could subscribe to public radio podcasts with my new iPod. At work I'm known as Google Girl. I'm always the first to find information online. I know my way around the internet and even manage two blogs along with the company's MySpace presence.

As a Navy brat I lived all across the country from Washington DC to Hawaii though I rightfully call myself a California native. And,because my grandparents retired in Del Mar in 1972 the San Diego area has always been home. I spent my college years here, and except for a six-year stint in Chicago in the 90s, I've spent most of my adult life here as well, from La Mesa to Leucadia. I currently live in Solana
Beach.

Through San Diego Writers, Ink, I participate in the First Friday Prose open mic event each month. Over the last year I've gotten fairly comfortable performing in front of a microphone. My only television experience was in Argentina in 1993 as part of a Group Study Exchange Program sponsored by Rotary International. Our team
was big news throughout Patagonia and as one of the strongest Spanish speakers, I was often called upon to speak for the group. In Spanish.

I'd like to think my community is the global community, but the truth is I've cobbled together a rag tag group of middle-aged, middle income, mostly local friends from all walks of life: writers, artists, construction workers, real estate agents, computer geeks, accountants and flight attendants representing most of the middle of the political spectrum. We care about local, national and global issues, and sometimes dryer lint.

We all want the same things out of life, good health, a decent job, a nice place to live and to find fulfillment creatively, and spiritually.

My resume is attached, which includes a list of published articles and links to my various blogs. I am eager to learn more about the citizen voices project-- I'd love the opportunity to participate.

Regards,
JeSais

PS. I vote.

Of course I have 200 pages of unpublished, incomplete memoir that perhaps says it better, or more deeply than I would say on a blog. Or in a cover letter or a resume.

Who are any of us anyway?

Another Summer Gone

The idea of Endless Summer is nothing more than a dream, a wish maybe, from folks who live in places where it will soon be Autumn or Winter. In California, Southern California, the beginning of Summer is marked by the water, not the leaves on the trees or the smells on the air-- those change subtly, gently, quietly. But the water, cold most of the year, in summer can warm up to 75 degrees, and the leopard sharks come and the jelly fish flourish and its time to swim. It sometimes feels like it happens overnight. The end of summer is also marked by the water. What was one day 75 degrees, became 65 degrees over night.

I have a somewhat inconsistent tradition to meet up with my friend Karin, more frequently in the summer, to go to Blacks Beach in La Jolla. Most people know Black's beach because it is a known nude beach... It's one of my favorite beaches in all of San Diego county, not because its nude (I keep my swim suit on, by the way). I like it because it is a rigorous hike in and out, which keeps most people away. It is serene, and never crowded, and a good workout to walk back up that hill.



Walking down this hill (pictured above) or stopping on the way back up, you can hear the sea, a song on the canyon breeze, and for a moment you can forget that just a mile away is a freeway, and over a million people.

I love the ocean, the tangy smell, the way the water feels on your skin, the salty taste on your lips after you've come out and even the way your hair feels stiff and spongy when it dries with salt water in it.

I usually hang out in the shallow section and body surf or boogie board, but this summer for the first time, I swam with Karin to the bouy and back. It's way past the breakers, maybe 1/4 mile out by my guesstimate.

I was scared to go out that far. But I did it. And the next week I did it again. And I was looking forward to more, but now the water is cold again, and the air has taken on a crispy tint that tickles the back of my throat so I know its Fall. I'll have to wait until next summer.

busy busy busy

and a little depressed, but I don't want to talk about that. I'll talk about the busy busy part.

I've been blogging at work, so I think by the time I come home I'm sorta blogged out.
check out my handiwork at
http://JoeWelder.com
and
http://CarmenElectrode.com

and we're launching a new webstore for Arc-Zone.com. The current site looks good (I think) but on the back end it is NOT database driven, which makes it really difficult to add new product, change product information, etc. SO, the new site is set to launch on October 1. If anyone wants to participate in some testing, let me know. I can set you up with a good deal or some store credit on welding supplies. Or a t-shirt.

AND... I got an iPod for my birthday. It's a cute little Nano, green, and even has my name etched in the back (Thanks Mary K and Bill!) So far I've got 122 songs loaded up and I even bought a couple from iTunes. How fun is that!

fragrant beginnings

Back in 2002, Debby was was going to throw this plumeria tree away because it was dead. But it had merely dropped its leaves for the winter. While our winters in Southern California are considered warm by most people's standards, for the tropical plumeria, it is not warm enough.

The good news is that the plumeria grows leaves again come sping.

This little tree had last bloomed in 2004. I remember because it was still blooming when I moved from my granddad's house into this new home, a mile and half from the ocean, 2 miles north of my granddad's house. It was the year I turned 40. It was the year my granddad died. It was the year when my sister's cancer was wreaking havoc on her life (and scaring the shit out of me). It was year of many changes.

I found what I was sure was a perfect spot on the patio, south facing for the plumeria to take most advantage of warmth and sun, and those first blooms lasted most of the month of August, my birthday month.

The following years my little plumeria tree would dutifully sprout leaves each spring, but never any flowers. And then, earlier this year I asked the plumeria vendor at the Farmers Market how to get them to bloom. He suggested a re-potting. With fresh soil. The mix for palms and cactus. Who would have thought that cactus would thrive in the same soil as a tropical plumeria... but I digress. The soil is rich but offers good drainage. I bought a new pot. And a large bag of soil.

The results are here in these photos.



What the photos cannot express is
the dulcet floral scent that wafts in on the ocean breeze in the evening.

The sweet smell that takes me back to Hawaii.



To the feeling of a soft cool lei on my neck.

The feeling of a metaphor for my life that is just out of my reach... a lesson I can almost grasp but not quite.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Quiet Endings

I've been quiet on my blog lately for a lot of reasons, but mostly because I had to put my little friend Alex to sleep last Saturday.

I knew it was coming for a long time. I'd posted about her various health problems over the last couple of years, first with diabetes and me having to give her insulin shots twice a day, then on to the never ending urinary tract infections. She couldn't walk very well because of nerve damage from the diabetes, and so she couldn't use a litter box. But last year, since I was busy grieving my Dad's passing I didn't have the strength to make the tough decision to put her down.

Earlier in the year I decided that if there was another health crisis it would be time. A couple of months ago when Alex had the last urinary tract infection I was able to simply get a prescription over the phone rather than take my kitty in. You see she really hated going to the vet, and they were never able to handle her well enough to get a good sample so mostly I would haul her in, she would growl and hiss a lot and based on the symptoms I described the vet would prescribe antibiotics.

Alex spent most of the day Saturday outside in her box enjoying the sun and the birds and the ocean breeze. In between laundry in and out of the garage, I would poke my head out and check on her. In the late afternoon I looked out and she was on her way in, but her back legs had collapsed and she was meowing. I went out to the garage to switch out some more laundry, then back into the kitchen for some ice tea, and Alex still hadn't made it back into the house, and when I looked closer she wasn't meowing but rather panting, tongue out and everything. I rushed out to see what was up, maybe she was trying to hock up a hairball (these things happen on occasion) but when I went to pet her she was really in distress and then she had a convulsion sort of flopping like a fish.

While I went to get the cat carrier, I called my friend Karin who I was supposed to meet for a beach walk and I told her that I wouldn't be meeting her, that I was taking my baby to the vet and I was afraid I wouldn't be bringing her back home.

Karin said she'd meet me at the vet. Then when I was at the vet, my sister called and I all I could do was cry... so she said she would come. Debby called Ralph, who then called me and said he was on the way up.

The vet told me that Alex had a really high temperature, they had her on oxygen to hopefully relieve some of her respiratory distress, and they would need to do more tests to determine the problem. That it was possible that the infection was in her brain which caused the convulsions... And so I said I didn't think it was a good idea to put her through all that, only to maybe have me bring her home for a couple more months until the next urinary tract infection. Her quality of life was not good.

This was the hardest decision I have ever made. Alex was a special kitty. at least to me.

When she was a kitten she used to wake me up in the morning by sitting on my chest and licking my nose. She was smart too. When she first played with the kitty dancer (cardboard thingy on a long flexible wire that you dangle in front of your cat to make her crazy) she was watching it in the mirror, and instead of charging the mirror she flipped around and attacked the real one.

She used to love to drink from a dripping faucet, in fact, she loved water. When I lived in Chicago I had one of those big claw footed porcelain tubs and she liked to walk around the edge of it while I took a bath. Until one day when she fell in. (let me just say ouch-- she used my leg as a launching pad to get out).

She also loved ice. Sometimes I would put some in her water bowl so she could fish it out with her big (I mean seriously big, like 1 1/2" wide), fur lined paw, then batting the ice cube around the kitchen floor until it melted. I forgot to tell Ralph about her penchant for ice cubes. When he took care of her while I was gone he was sitting there in my living room, his nice scotch (on ice) was sitting on the floor and along came Alex, dazzled by the ice, reaching her big furry paw in to scoop out a cube, only to be thwarted by a vigilant Ralph... not sure if he was saving Alex from the scotch or saving the scotch from Alex....

Alex drove across county with me (and Karin) and survived the car accident in Nebraska (when we hit a deer). She survived being attacked by not one but TWO Chows. She comforted me when my Grandma died, when my Granddad died and last year when my Dad died. She let me huddle over her and cry into her long soft fur.

Her favorite thing to do was to play Sunday paper. I would read and toss the pages and she would dive under them... she enjoyed this even lately... it may be awhile before I can read the Sunday paper again.

I miss mer more than I can say. She is not waiting in the kitchen for me to feed her in the morning-- and in fact I've been buying my coffee from Starbucks on my way to work because I can't stand being in the kitchen. And she is not waiting for me at the door when I come home from work-- so I've been working late, and running lots of errands after work. There's a big empty spot in the living room where her box was, and a big empty spot in my heart.

Happy 3rd Anniversary

I felt like I needed to post myself a happy 3rd, but not in the mood to write much. It's hot tonite, I'm tired, and my eyes are itchy. Maybe tomorrow.

Taos. New Mexico. Land of Enchantment

I'm here in Taos, NM to attend the Summer Writers Conference hosted by University of New Mexico. I'll get my whole manuscript workshopped, but not until Thursday!! Saving the best or the worst for last?

I'm already learning tons, can't wait to apply it to my work and begin the process of revision.




Weather is nice. but dry dry dry. I hope the life is not evaporating out of me!! and I'm drinking so much water that I feel like I am spending most of my time in the bathroom... yeah... too much information :-)

LA Bloggers Live ReCap and Podcast

Longtime blogger and husband to Leahpeah, ... Joe Crawford of artlung.com kicked off the first ever L.A. Bloggers Live! event, reading a few posts from way back, I'll title it "Onward."


Next up, Deezee from Confessional Highway, reminiscing about the LA Forum... she must be one of the coolest moms on the the planet!


Next up, Neil of Citizen of the Month. If you think he's funny in writing, just wait until you hear him live with this post, My Russian Bride. We even got to meet Sophia:


I had to follow Neil. It was tough. He rocked it. I gave it my best shot, representin' for the San Diego Bloggers.... a little Barbie rant and a little poetry:


Abigail from My Life According to Me shared a couple of "Letter to a travelling lover" posts-- she thought it would be easier to read heart felt posts about an old boyfriend!


Wildbell Will shared a great post about the perils of biking in LA. (you couldn't pay me to do that even if I were in great shape! I don't even like to drive around LA!)


Peter from The Buddah Diaries, shared a post called The Aging Suit, a poetic musing about, well, aging... delivered in a lovely British accent!


LA Daddy, Tim shared with us a post about A Boy (Tim) and his bike and 300 Spartans...


Leah finally took the stage as a blogger and not just as a hostess with the mostess, and read her post, about (bump-step) running away (bump step)....


and with a suprise, last minute entry into the LA Bloggers Live event, turns out the hostess of the Tangier Lounge is also a blogger... So with a little extra time left, Marissa of the Engle Angle joined us.

Live. From L.A. It's LA Bloggers Live

SO... I was thinking I would read my Me and Billy Crystal post. But it was an audio post already, so if you really want to hear about Me and Billy Crystal, you can listen here at my blog. Then I got the brilliant idea that I would read a post from one year ago. But "Not. Good. Enough," it is a bit of a downer.

I've opted to read two posts. One, what I have since developed into what I call my Barbie Rant, but started here as a blog post, so I will read it in its original raw form. Very hard for me to not tweak it, or read it in its now polished form. I'll also read something a little different, I'm not a poet.

Hopefully we'll get the audio recording working and I'll post here.
If you are in the LA area... drop on by. 6:30 pm at the Tangier Lounge.

Warm up for Thursday

Up Up and Away....




read at First Friday, a San Diego Writers, Ink production.

Sounds of Silence

If you like to listen to internet radio... listen up.

That's the Sound of Silence, and not in a Simon and Garfunkel kind of way, but rather in protest of the new high music royalties for Internet radio, established by the Copyright Royalty Board in March which could well put many small, non-commercial stations out of business-- stations like San Diego's own Amplify SD and L.A.'s KCRW along with stations like SomaFM, home of Groove Salad (one of my favorites).

For large commercial operations like Clear Channel, these kinds of rate hikes are absorbed like any other increase in business cost. But for a small independent station, a non-profit public radio station or someone playing local music out of their garage, these fees will make it unrealistic to continue.

From the SaveNetRadio.org site:

On March 2, 2007 the Copyright Royalty Board (CRB), which oversees sound recording royalties paid by Internet radio services, increased Internet radio’s royalty burden between 300 and 1200 percent and thereby jeopardized the industry’s future.

At the request of the Recording Industry Association of America, the CRB ignored the fact that Internet radio royalties were already double what satellite radio pays, and multiplied the royalties even further. The 2005 royalty rate was 7/100 of a penny per song streamed; the 2010 rate will be 19/100 of a penny per song streamed. And for small webcasters that were able to calculate royalties as a percentage of revenue in 2005 – that option was quashed by the CRB, so small webcasters’ royalties will grow exponentially!

So if you don't like the silence, you have just 18 more days to let your voice be heard.... hook up with the folks at SaveNetRadio.org and find out how you can help.


And sorry, but I'm on a roll here with the song title inspired sentences:

Don't let the music die.

It's about time

That which is done with time, time respects."
~Henri Cartier-Bresson, photographer




I'm late posting this, which is funny since the quote is about time. I must admit this post was not done with time, unless of course you count the time I spent noodling this quote.


When I was in New York earlier this year, on one of my wandering around Manhattan days, I happened upon this museum, at the International Center of Photography. It wasn't on my list. I just ended up there. And it looked interesting, so I pluncked down the ten dollar admission fee and wandered. It was a quiet little museum. Not packed like the Met or the Guggenheim. Not a big tourist draw. Which is a shame because the exhibits were terrific. This is the kind of place where I would hang out, take classes, attend events, if I lived in New York.



The exhibit for Henri Cartier-Bresson included a mini documentary with the artist talking about his work. This quote struck a chord with me so I wrote it down in my notebook.

It bears repeating. "That which is done with time, time respects."

Don't rush. Take the time to do a thing right, and it will last.

Another interesting thing about Cartier-Bresson is that he was a patient man. He would set up his camera and wait. He didn't stage the scene, but rather waited for the scene to happen. Sometimes he waited for a long time. His pictures show the care with which he took them. And they are as relevant and beautiful now as they were 70 years ago.

Oh for Four

Not being much for sports, I'm not sure if that's how you say it or not.... the fact that out of the 4 things I shot for last month, I bombed on all four. Let's recap:

1. I'm not in the running to be the next public radio star

2. No Leo Love scholarship

3. No Room of Her Own Foundation scholarship

and finally,

4. No publication in Commonties Story Blog

Yes, I'm obsessing about it. I'm not all weepy or anything anymore, but rather contemplative. I think if I had played sports I would be better able to handle this. Yup. Sports is the key. You learn how to fail. How to really blow it, then get back in the game again. And again.

Perhaps also as important, playing sports teaches you how to win... because even when you win, you still have to do it again the next day. Or the next month or year. You can't rest on your laurels (what ARE laurels anyway?)

Practice is another good sports lesson. How you practice, a little every day, and see a little improvement every day. No one right out of the womb knows how to score a homerun, or do a jump shot. Nope. That takes practice. Practice may not make perfect, but it sure gets you a lot closer.

Sports also teaches you to work with a team (that is if you play team sports). You learn how to let each person do what they do best and you compensate for each others' weaknesses.

Oh, and if you play sports, you're in better shape, healthier. That would be good. Unless you take steroids and end up with 'roid rage and beat somebody up, and land in jail....That would would not be a good thing.

So I will end this rambling post with a favorite quote:

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars"

~Les Brown

(photo: Hubble Space Telescope site)

haiku for you

soft, succulent skin
sweet juice dripping on my chin
a perfect ripe peach

note: original haiku by moi, JeSais, circa 2000
photo courtesy of Flickr.com photographer Darwin Bell

Father's Day 2007

DOH! I totally didn't put the two together... the way I felt yesterday.
Tired.
Bone tired.
And sad.
Bone sad.

It's so damn complicated. I miss my Dad and I'm so angry at the mess he left us.

And I miss my Dad.

I haven't forgotten about my real estate obsession

My latest rant is regarding the Fed, and possible plans to "fix" the mortgage market. Hello? The mortgage market in my humble and uneducated opinion was running its course. Supply and demand, with a little greed thrown in, at its finest.

This NPR story really took me over the top on this issue... specifically the interview with Sheri Stinson of Minneapolis, who earns $2,000 a month and who's mortgage payment just jumped an additional $500... to $1,800. And she has two kids and a car payment, and you know, food to buy.... If her payments had stayed at $1,300 a month she still couldn't make ends meet.


I'm sorry there are people in a bind. I want to buy a home too, but over the last year or two I looked at 1. my income. 2. the price of real estate 3. how much I can put down and 4. my income.

Did I mention MY INCOME??? NOT what I am approved for.

So now, my tax dollars, which are significant (not in a Bill Gates kind of way) since I HAVE NO WRITE OFFS, are supposed to help out someone who got in over their head? who didn't read the fine print? Didn't understand variable interest rates?
OR worse, to bail out some mortgage company or bank...

I certainly don't wish anyone ill will, but there is no guarantee in this country that says you get to own a house. Hell we don't even guarantee everyone access to health care.

yes I'm neurotic

Aren't we all?

I know I just posted that very negative post. I wrote it earlier. I don't feel that bad anymore, but it did feel cathartic to expunge it from my body. To get those words out of my head... So please, don't feel you need to comment with words of support. I DO know I have friends out there in the universe, in the blogosphere, and even here in my home, in my neighborhood and in my cobbled together family.

and if you are feeling bad, check out Jen Lemen's blog. I met her at Blogher in New York.

No, Non, Niet, Nein, Nao, No y No

... and yet another "rejection" for my pile...

no scholarship for the Taos Summer Writers Conference from the A Room of Her Own foundation. And even though on my last post I said I wasn't hopeful, I lied. I was still hopeful.

And no letter even.
Not even a thank-you-for-your-application- but-you-suck form letter.
Nope. I actually had to ask them, thus making me feel even more pathetic.

I busted my ass to put together the application, with the vague requirements of "10 pages of prose" and a short description of your work... or a cover letter, or whatever. I stressed about what to include, should I just submit what I would be working on in Taos? Should I show the broader scope of my writing abilities? No one seemed to know, everyone had a different opinion, so I was flying blind. There was no information about what kind of recipients have been awarded scholarships in the past. No way to gauge the bar. I mean what if all the recipients in the past already had MFAs and were English professors or published authors? I still would have submitted, but at least I would know the odds were not in my favor. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

So now, I'm sitting here thinking I totally suck. Yesterday I was thinking maybe just maybe it could be me. Why not me? well apparently I'm not good enough.

Not sure I'm cut out for this putting myself out there shit. How do you keep doing it, and getting rejection after rejection?

How do I reprogram the tape player in my head that is saying you suck you suck you suck????

Performing Your Words

Guy Kawasaki has some great tips on his blog on public speaking, gleaned from a buddy, Doug Lawrence, professional singer, music director, and speech coach. Anyone reading at the LA Bloggers Live event may want to take a gander.

Singing and speaking have everything in common—except for maybe really good tunes. The main goal is to engage your audience and make them listen to you, so everything a singer does, a speaker ought to do too. Here are the absolute necessities of an engaging performance or presentation that Doug compiled.....

And you may want to peruse the tips from Toastmasters on public speaking.

I would add:

1. Make sure to BREATHE.

2. S L O W D O W N

3. Don't be afraid of silence.... it is a useful tool that lets the audience absorb what you just said, and pay attention to what you're going to say next.

4. Vary the rhythm and pitch of your voice.

...and finally....

5. Practice. Even if it is just running through the words a couple of times.

Interested in spoken word as art? Well so Theresa Cowan....

While spoken word performers have been around for over two decades in North America, their work has not been studied seriously by academics as an art form worthy of their consideration. Theresa Cowan is working to change this neglect through her research for her PhD in English (under the supervision of Dr. Michael O’Driscoll) that examines spoken word performance in Canada. “I initially became interested in this work because I am a spoken word artist and I found that many ‘academic poets’ made fun of spoken word as ‘bad poetry,’ rather than engage with it on its own terms.”

Do you think PhD candidates in English will soon be studying blogging as an art form? Do YOU think bloggers are writers?

Many of the bloggers I enjoy reading are good writers... personally I wouldn't call all bloggers writers, however. Some create lists of links, for example.

Curious what you think....

See Me Live

Thursday, June 28.

Yes, I know I am not based in L.A.

HOWEVER, I do read some L.A. Bloggers like LeahPeah, and CitizenoftheMonth (although I may have to stop reading that one since Neil called me a narcissistic fool)


BESIDES, there's no cool blogging stuff like this happening in San Diego since Joe and Leah moved "up there," so I'm going.

And if you show up you'll get to hear me live, along with:

Erin from Queen of Spain

Joe from Artlung

Lynda from One Day at a Time

Deezee from Confessional Highway

Neil from Citizen of the Month

Abigail from My Life According to Me

Maybe I'll steal the idea and bring it to San Diego.

Or maybe you'll just have to catch me in LA.

And tell an LA friend. The club, the Tangier Lounge looks cool.

SO. Should I do a reprise of the Me and Billy Crystal audio blog? guaranteed to bring the crowd to tears - OR - something about Barbie and pert boobs?

aka Je Sais... I know.

Just so you know I don't really know.

and the hits, they keep a comin'

So now I find out I didn't get a Leo Love Merit scholarship to the Taos Writers Conference.

No word about the Room of Her Own Foundation scholarship yet, but so far what I have is:

1. Public Radio Talent Quest. Rejected. but seriously, congrats to the round 1 winners
2. Leo Love Merit Scholarship. Rejected.
3. Room of Her Own scholarship... pending... but not hopeful at this point
4. Story submitted to CommonTies.com ... pending... won't know until the 22nd

So think happy thoughts. Not sure if I can take 4 rejections in a row. Or at least this close together.

Anyone have any tips on how to toughen up? to not let this stuff get to you? to keep plugging away regardless? to get up and do it again tomorrow and the next day? or how do you know when you're just kidding yourself?

I'm not the next NPR star

yet.

Well, thanks everyone for your votes. The voting has closed. The judging is over. And I did not make the list of top 100 vote getters at the public radio talent quest... nor did I make the list of entries nominated by more than one judge.

I only listened to 200 entries. A few stinkers, a lot of really good entries and a couple of Wows. There is an amazing group of talented people over there at the public radio talent quest. I'd like to think that I made it to the list of 200 entries that were passed on the judges. I don't know if that is true or not, but I learned a lot in pursuing this.

First and foremost, why not me? In this case I don't know. Many of the entries were prepared by real live radio professionals. I'm not saying that in a sour grapes kind of way, it's an honest appraisal. I think I held my own. I learned a lot about putting together a small piece. I got a little more practice using my recording equipment, and using a sound editing program. Although my idea about Creativity Is has been percolating for a while... this project forced me to distill it, formulate the words, and articulate what I was trying to say. What I can still say.

And I know for sure that I would not have won if I had not entered. Ya gotta play to win, right? This is big for me... to actually put stuff out there. To give it a shot. I have to say I am really proud of myself for trying, giving it my best shot.

And you know the adage, "Be careful what you wish for you just might get it...." In this case, it probably is a good thing I did not win. How demanding will Round 2 of the contest be? Round 3? I have a job. A good paying job that I enjoy very much. And I am writing a book. And there are still only 24 hours in a day last time I checked. 6-8 hours for sleeping. 8 hours for work, and 8 hours for friends, family, eating, hanging out, writing, recording, movies, reading, etc.

So, I'll continue noodling around with audio, working with my friend Rich to produce his short story, work on something audio of my own, or with other fellow writers... maybe I'll make more sound sculptures, layers of words and music, pieces that wouldn't really fit into a public radio show format, like this piece called "F_ck, Pause."
it may be offensive (I warned you) I was in a weird mood.
OR

Maybe I'll go ahead and produce a show, Creativity Is, and podcast it, or submit it to public radio via the Public Radio Exchange. Or not.
Oh the ideas they are a flowing....

What exactly IS post punk anyway?

I admit it. I was prepared to not like the evening lineup. I mean Eileen Myles reported attitude had left a bad taste in my mouth. And frankly, for some strange reason it is easier to be against something.

I got the flyer for the “art happening” at The Whistle Stop via email and I diligently posted the event – yes, with a sarcastic headline—at SanDiegoBlog.com. And then I even made plans to go. To go see what “art” in Eileen Myles’ mind really is.

Wednesday started with my weekly Read and Critique Group. We meet every Wednesday. The group is facilitated by Judy Reeves, Writer. We’re making art in our own right. Quietly. Diligently. We write. We work on our craft. It just isn’t public, but it is indicative of art happening in San Diego. It’s subtle. Like winter in San Diego. Or spring. You have to slow down and look. It IS there.

Only this time I had coffee. So I could stay up past 9 pm... After my Read and Critique Group, Judy, Rich and I headed up to South Park to the Whistle Stop, to get a little more art.

I was the first to arrive, which was amazing considering I drive like my grandma, but that’s another story. In the 20 minutes it took my to get a beer (ever feel like you’re invisible as taller people reach over you to shove money in the bartender’s face?) the place got pretty full. And finally I saw Judy and Rich come in through the front door. It was 9:20 or so. The show was scheduled to start at 9 pm. Strike one. (military brat here. Bad to be late)

The show was billed as “old fashioned kite flying puppetry collective featuring eileen myles. ryan griffith. esteban ortega.

Ryan Griffith was the first on board, closer to 10 pm than 9pm. He introduced himself, and said something along the lines of “I know there’s a lot of people here from UCSD, and San Diego State. And City College. And we’re all writers. And there’s just no place for us here in San Diego….”

And under my breath I said “bullshit.” Because I know there are tons of writerly events going on all the time in San Diego. Many of which are hosted by San Diego Writers Ink. And take place RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET AT THE GROVE every First Friday of the month… and the booze is free….
But I didn’t say that. This was his gig after all.

As Ryan continued, “We just really wanted to create something here in San Diego.” I was feeling like he was being so patronizing, like he was so proud of himself, creating a little art for the poor art-deprived folks of San Diego….

And I kept my mouth shut. And I was prepared to dislike whatever his “art” was.

But I didn’t. He performed a poem, set to music (a melodic electric guitar in a sort of ambient minor key sounding riff that was very mood setting). In the background Ryan had a digital art presentation to follow along. It was cool. It was exactly the kind of art I would do, layers of visual expression, words, and music. I was intrigued. I wanted more.

Next up, Eileen Myles. I was truly prepared to dislike her. Which I hate to admit because I like to think of myself as open minded. I don’t care if she’s a post punk lesbian… my best friend is a lesbian (Hi Julie !) But considering the fact that she dissed my town, well, I had high expectations. She's from New York. She must know art....

I noticed her when I first came into the bar. She was the only one that looked like a more masculine version of Andy Warhol (but with a better hairdo). Her look is a little harsh, but I fits her post modern/punk/feminist/lesbian/poet persona…

So when she came up on stage, I was ready. I was sure I would get some good solid angst-ridden post punk feminist poetry. And I was disappointed.

Instead, what I saw was a woman who came alive on stage. And as I watched her read her harsh look softened. I thought to myself, she’s actually pretty. I could tell this was her bliss. She was doing what she loved to do. Words.

Now I wouldn’t call what she read poetry. And I realize there is a pretty broad definition of what constitutes poetry, and I embrace that definition, but she read a piece that she had contributed to an anthology. It was about flossing. And so much more. And I would call it prose… but that’s neither here nor there… Eileen herself was engaging, and animated, and endearing in her reading. So I get why she’s published. I get why she’s “a cult figure to a generation of post-punk females forming their own literary avant guarde.”

But I still don’t get why she doesn’t see that there is art, even poetry events in San Diego.

Now the third “act” of the evening… the puppet portion of the evening… to quote my friend Rich:

The Ship Is The Essex!!! The Whale IS The Essex!!! This Is Not The Real
Essex!!! This Is Nantucket!!! This is a Town Just Like Nantucket!!

It was too loud. It was cacophony at its finest. It hurt my ears and frankly I put on better shows when I was in third grade. Besides I had finished my beer and the line at the bar was too long to get another. Oh, and I had a 20 mile drive home. So I left.

Last chance

Voting ends tomorrow.
Do feel free to just go listen. Lots of good creative audio stuff happening over there.

And if you were to register, and vote (for me), even submit a comment, well I wouldn't mind at all.

I'm a Writer

I know I've mentioned it before. That I'm a writer. But sometimes I don't feel like a writer. Yes, I write at work. I've published artiles. I write. But there is something extra-specially (writers get to make up words) rewarding about getting your first check. Even if it's not for much, and it's not for your great literary work of art, but for a blog post republished, in print and online-- at The San Diego Reader:



So yeah, I'm a writer.

The real Billy Crystal

I could have sworn I checked the spelling.
But somehow my fingers typed the 'h' not once,
not twice
but 87 times.
Okay, perhaps that is an exaggeration...

The editor of CommonTies.com actually joked (via email to me) that perhaps their spam filter screens for misspellings. yikes. my bad. big bad. I spelled Billy Crystal's name wrong.

I even rank third in Google Search for "Billy Crystal" misspelled. yikes. cached in The Google for god knows how long. Hopefully with this post, I will rank just as high for the correct spelling of Billy Crystal.

And perhaps, my dream will come true... that Billy Crystal will find my blog (do celebrities google themselves like we do-- you know you do, admit it-- or do they have "people" to do that for them?).

I did go back and correct the blog post that referenced "Me and Billy Crystal" to the correct spelling, "Billy Crystal," so maybe he'll find me now. And listen. And like it. And call me up, say "Hi. This is Billy Crystal. Let's do coffee."

Why not me?

Need to follow up!

It's so frustrating to think that with everything you do you have to follow up, to double check, to make sure things are happening as they are supposed to.

In the middle of the crazy Writing and Submitting fest that was my life last week, I submitted a story for the Common Ties Story Blog. First off, they actually pay and second, it is the year of Why Not Me, and third, they pay. Did I mention they pay? Not that pay is the only criteria for respect, but money is measurable, and I have a goal to make some money from my writing this year... so the fact that they publish some fine stories, you retain copyright and they pay, makes it a good opportunity in my mind.

Each week they feature a different theme (grief, cancer, missed connections, mothers, etc.) When I first discovered this website back in Janary, I had just missed the deadline to submit for the Cancer theme (isn't that always the way?). And between then and now none of the other "themes" spoke to me, or I didn't have anything near polished enough to submit... until, May 15 "Open Themes" (could there be any more deadlines for me in May??) So I submitted my Me and Billy Crystal essay, via email, at 8:14 am on May 15. Well within the deadline. Not even close to midnight or anything.

And I waited.

And I got to thinking, "When are those essays supposed to publish?" and "Funny I haven't heard anything." Not that I expect my essay to be published, but I did expect SOME response, the email equivalent of a rejection slip, perhaps... but no, nothing. So I looked online and saw that This week is open theme week. So instead of just saying, "hmm. Oh Well," I actually emailed via the Contact Us page, and said shall I assume a rejection if I've not heard from you? The editor replied (pretty quickly I might add) that yes, that would be the case, and she copied and pasted the response letter text below that should answer any other questions....

So, I'm looking at this email thinking, "I didn't get one of these response letter emails with this information. Hmmm."

So I emailed her back and said, thanks for the info, but I didn't get one of these emails. And she emailed back and said she didn't have a record of receiving an email submission from me. Weird. Slurped into the SPAM box? who knows. I had a record of it being sent, so I forwarded the sent copy to her.

So, we'll see. As I said, I'm not expecting publication... but hey, why not me?

I can't believe I ate the whole thing

Yesterday marked a huge milestone for me. I managed to cobble together all my various and asundry essays and stories into a FIRST DRAFT. And, I managed to get it all printed (167 pages) copied-- double sided and three hole punched-- and mailed out to the participants for the master class at the Taos Writers Conference this July.
As I stood there at Kinkos watching the copy machine spit out pages of my manuscript I cried. I don't know why. It's happy tears, sad tears, woulda shoulda coulda tears, if only I had another day tears, am I ready to move into the revision stage tears.... how will my manuscript stack up next to everyone else's tears. And now what am I gonna do tears.

In fact, this last month has been so hectic and insane I feel like I'm coming down from a big high. I managed to get two scholarship applications (May 1st deadline and May 15th deadline) done (for the Taos workshop) and submitted my audio audition for the public radio talent quest (May 14th deadline) and finally the whole draft of my manuscript submitted for workshop, deadline May 18th.

So now what? Well, I still have my local read and critique group. I have two chapters that I sort of just put placeholders in for the "whole draft" so I can write those.... and I'm working on some more audio stuff. And I have 8 books to read between now and July 7.... the manuscripts from my fellow workshop attendees AND the two books Greg Martin has assigned: Pharaoh's Army by Tobias Wolf and Fierce Attachments by Vivian Gornick.

and maybe I'll just go back to sleep....

too much to do. too overwhelmed.

Why does everything happen at once??

I'm so overwhelmed right now, I must take a blog break...

So, I've got the Taos Writers Conference coming up. I'm signed up for a master class with Greg Martin (am I crazy? don't answer that) I SHOULD have a "whole draft" of my memoir, "Reconstructing My Mother." What I have is a messy 170 some pages. If I force a square memoir into a round peg does that make it whole?
Deadline Friday, May 18.

If that weren't enough I've decided this is the year of WHY NOT ME? What that means is that I have to do the things I think about doing... like apply for two merit based scholarships for the Taos Writer Conference... because, why not me? I mean if I don't apply, I certainly will not get a scholarship, right? The first scholarship, sponsored by A Room Of Her Own Foundation, due May 1. Done. The second, the Leo Love Merit Scholarship, due May 15. Sending tomorrow.


And then there's the Public Radio Talent Quest. I had to enter that! And maybe I flubbed it, didn't tell enough about myself... didn't describe the piece well enough on my entry, Creativity is, but I did it. All in the name of Why Not Me? Well I have a 10 in 1300 chance of making to the next round. Maybe a little better because honestly I think my entry was better than some. If you feel compelled, please do go vote for me (note, you'll have to register, but my entry is only 2 minutes long.). One of the 10 spots will be determined by votes.

So now I'm down to the thing that I should have been focusing on all along, putting together my "whole draft." And instead, I blog! Is this some form of self-sabotage? am I afraid to write? to succeed? or am I just crazy? don't answer that.

PS: shit. I inadvertently posted this post onto the Taos Writers Conference blog that I have been invited to participate on. thank god I caught it in time and deleted it. Totally inappropriate to self-promote over there! whew.

PS #2. I also want to submit a story for the Common Ties Story blog. Deadline on open themes May 15.

What about that radio show?

Of course I should be working on my book... but I have 6 more days to generate 60 pages. Cake, right? hah!!

Anyway, Regarding my Audio Audition over at the Public Radio Talent Quest.... Creativity is... you may recall my mini doculogue movie from a while ago of the same title I used some of that audio and re-worked it, laid down a background music track -- me on guitar, Julie on harmonica-- and framed it with some commentary:

When you think of creativity, of people you consider creative, if you're like most people you think of artists: writers, painters, sculptors, poets, dancers,
... musicians

maybe you even think of crafters, you know, those people in your life that can take a piece of string and a paperclip and with McGyver like skill turn it into something useful like a doorstop, or a potholder.

Now I can hear you shaking your head even before I make this next statement, but...
I believe EVERYBODY is creative.

Yeah.
Really.

Everybody.

Even you.


You probably just don’t recognize what you do as creative.

That’s where I come in.



Come along with me as I get to know artists, writers, musicians,

and business owners, scientists, teachers, engineers, carpenters, moms, bankers, pet sitters

Creative people from all walks of life

So it is done. It is what it is. I'm happy with my submission. Maybe it will turn to naught but another clip for my blog... or the start of my new radio show or podcast, or whatever. Just a reminder... you can listen to Creativity Is and vote. You have until June to vote (I'll remind you again, don't worry)

PS: what about that radio show

Logging in and commenting on my entry would make me look really popular.... just a suggestion :-)

and now I'm back to work on MY BOOK. Seriously. I have a good hour until the mariachis begin. (long story)

Shameless Plug: Public Radio Talent Quest

OK, since this IS my blog, I guess I can plug anything I want... myself included.

If you get a few minutes, 2 to be exact, check out my entry over at the Public Radio Talent Quest, Creativity Is....

If you have a couple more minutes, like maybe 4, you can register and vote.... and hang around, grab a mug of coffee and listen to some other awesome audiophiles.

Today's Therapy

Today's therapy session for Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22):

Your planetary ruler Mercury is highly charged now as it moves into Gemini, its other home sign, increasing the general data flow in your life. Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily make you feel more comfortable or more capable.

Great. I was hoping my weird mood would be changing soon. Thank god Mercury is NOT in retrograde. That would be more than I could handle.

You would rather have less information that is more useful.
Don't panic, for this transit won't last.
In the next couple weeks, do whatever you can to soothe your frazzled nerves.

So, yoga tonight? or nice glass of cabernet?
hmmmm.

Astrologer or Therapist?

Today's horoscope via tarot.com

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

Circumstances seem to get in the way of your high hopes for meaningful dialog today. There are so many topics you really want to talk about as your emotions bump up against the reality of your current relationships.

Even if it feels like the resistance is coming from someone else, look within to see how you have contributed to establishing the distance. Increasing your self-awareness will help the boundaries dissipate over the next few days.

makes me think I should find the services of a good astrologer rather than a therapist...

But wait, there's more

If bad things come in threes I'm in trouble.
I'm bummed because my plans to have FUN this evening were cancelled.
and so I worked late, great talk with my boss, brainstorming, planning, shooting the breeze, finishing up some stuff...
and then my roommate called.
Alex, my cat, has another Urinary Tract Infection. It's bad. She's bleeding a lot.
So I fly home as fast as my little turbo-charged beetle can take me, to take care of my cat. It's bad.
Her little kitty bed (lined with newspaper) is red with blood. Bloody urine.
nice.
and her little kitty but is drenched in urine soaked blood.
I gave her an antibioitic I have left over from the last UTI.
Then I called the vet.
I really don't want to take her in.
It's traumatic for everyone.
And Expensive.
And I'm broke.
and all this reminds me what a Bad Kitty Mommy I am.
She's 14 years old.
And costing me a fortune.
I've renamed her "Down Payment."
And I don't want to put her down.
Because I'm not sure I can do it.
How do you know when the time is right?
Every 3 or 4 months we go through this bloody but thing.
And she can't walk very well.
But she still loves me.
And she still likes to play with the newspaper, especially on Sunday Mornings when we play hide the kitty in the paper.
And she purrs.
And she has her box that she stays in most of the time.
And when there's dinner involved she can get to the kitchen in record time, even if she is dragging her hind legs behind her.
So is it time?
And how can I force her into the cat carrier and take her to the vet where she hates everyone and will hiss and growl and try to bite and then they will kill her?
shit shit shit shit shit.
Probably a good thing my plans got cancelled 'cause I am NOT good company right now. But still, it sucks having to do all this shit alone.

When did I become invisible?

Do you ever wonder if you're invisible?

Like when you're in the grocery store. And you've conscientiously pulled your cart to one side of the aisle so other people can pass while you scan the shelves looking for oh, let's say a bottle of basalmic vinager. And along comes some woman who doesn't make eye contact. With anyone. And stops her cart. Right. In front. Of you. Blocking your line of vision to the shelf of vinegar. And still. She won't make eye contact with you. Maybe it's because you are invisible.

how pathetic am I ?

I'm totally bummed because my evening plans got cancelled.
It's NOT that I don't have other things to do-- you know,
THE BOOK I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING.
but I'm so damn tired of doing stuff alone.

Best Night Ever!

Well, maybe not the best night ever, but right up there! I had SO much fun last night I thought I'd share.

First off, my very bestest friend Julie came down from L.A. (she moved there for L.O.V.E a couple years ago) ANYWAY, Julie was down because she had a business meeting in the early a.m. on Monday.

Julie and I always have so much fun together. We can laugh together and cry together, and talk about really serious stuff, and stuff you would never ever ever talk to anyone else about. And sometimes we just get really silly. She brought her harmonica and her juice harp, and we noodled around on my guitar, and made our own radio show. Even though I am not doing a radio show.

So we add to the mix my friend Rich coming over so we could finish working on the audio production of Lil Soldier, a short story in his collection of stories, Julie In Mittens.

And Judy G joined us... another of my very talented writer friends from my Read and Critique group (led by Judy Reeves). (we'll be recording Judy G's story next!!)

We each got to read dialog parts from Rich's story. I was Mrs. Cartwright the teacher, but couldn't really get the exasperated-over-worked- under-appreciated- pissed-off-teacher tone so I needed a LOT of direction. Julie was the oh so sweet Miss Mindy, and Judy G nailed it as Davy's mom. (Rich was Davy, the 10 year old narrator with a very deep voice)

My favorite part was when I decided that the scene under the wheel barrow would sound better if it were spoken under a giant soup pot for the echo-effect. I especially liked the part where I made Rich wear it on his head for full effect even though he didn't really need to do that. But he looked really funny and I should have had my camera but I did not. oh well. next time.

I wish I could have creative fun like that every night. Writing can be such a solitary and sometimes somber (I love alliteration) experience.

Last night, bringing Rich's words to life, speaking them out loud, fumbling over them, working together, laughing.... it is what I imagine being in a band is like-- getting together to jam and make great music together.

sometimes ya gotta wonder

So I was invited to see a show last night with my friend Rich. Actually it started as "a modest proposal" which of course got me to thinking all kinds of strange thoughts (read Jonathan Swift's essay "A Modest Proposal")

EMAIL SUBJECT: a modest proposal

I just had an idea (too much coffee at work). Remember I told you about my friend the Burlesque/Caberet girl? Her one-woman show is next Friday, May 4th at this place called the Funhouse. My friend and I are going. Do you want to go? I'm not sure what to expect from the show, but she's really entertaining and says it will be a mixture of comedy/music/caberet and a gameshow (??).

Anyway, I was thinking she would be a perfect person for you to record an interview about creativity for your future radio show. She's a single mom, works her ass off entertaining San Diego 7 nights a week (seriously, her resume/work schedule is off the hook), is a great storyteller, and I'm assuming the show will be very creative. I think she'd be an interesting subject--she's EXTREMELY candid--and I can set it up easy if you're interested.

Whaddya think?
-rjb

I didn't know what to think.... except first off, I'm not doing a radio show! I'm writing a book. Or at least I'm supposed to be. Even though the idea of a radio show has been tossed around, and I LOVE audio. Bottom line, this proposal stressed me out on so many levels. So, after several emails back and forth, by which time I'm sure Rich was like "sheesh its just a show/idea/email and I had no idea Jenn was so damn neurotic." I suggested we start with I would (forego First Friday Open Mic) go see the show. (Note: Rich has read most of my memoir, so he should know how neurotic I am)

Of course I stressed about the First Friday thing all Friday long. I mean I'm a REGULAR at First Friday. I'm comfortable there. People KNOW me. I'm in the IN crowd. sort of. I mean I get invited to dinner after the show. And best of all if the show is bad, wait three minutes, someone else will be on!

But this... trapped in a tiny theater. Watching a One Woman Show. Put on by a burlesque dancer. I was skeptical, but I decided to reach outside my comfort zone and go. Besides, I like Rich (I'll fill you in on him in another post-- he's an awesome writer and I promised to review his manuscript).

So it wasn't as bad as I thought it could be. But (there's always a but!)it wasn't as good as I had hoped either.

The One Woman is a woman named Laura Jane of San Diego. Wilcock she'll tell you... not Wilcox, only one cock, not two cocks, one cock dangling at the end of her name just in case she needs one. is that funny? she likes to say the word "cock" a lot. Oh, and Celine Dion is a slut. whatever that means.

Laura Jane has a lot going for her:

• She actually CAN sing. Of course she yucks it up with a lot of crude humor, but she has a decent voice.


• Her poetry is pretty good as well. Delivery campy of course, but some fun word play.


• Some of her "skits" (for lack of a better word) were funny (she does bill herself as a comedienne). I particulary enjoyed her song medley of different impressions from Lou Rawls and Elvis to Carol Channing, Britney Spears, Cher... sans Celine, of course.


• And she has a lot of guts getting up there on stage and baring her... well you knew that was coming, didn't you... more on that later...


• It was acceptable to brown-bag booze, but I didn't know that ahead of time

For me, what the show lacked was a coherent story line. Or an added layer of some sort of social commentary.

Maybe I'm a snob, maybe I've become an old fart, a stuffed shirt, I don't know, but the humor was the kind of thing I would have laughed at when I was 13.

I wasn't offended by any of the crude humor, I just didn't think it was very funny, and often, instead of getting more complex, digging deeper, I felt like Laura Jane was going for the easy laugh, the cheap shot or just trying to be shocking.

Nudity was to be expected, especially since Rich said she was a "burlesque/caberet gal," but the full frontal boobage didn't really add to the story, except perhaps to give Laura Jane an opportunity to show off her very ample and pendulous breasts.

The "skit" which afforded Laura Jane this opportunity was when she told a story about her being torn between wanting to suckle one of the pastries or some chick's breasts... so she came out on stage, topless of course, carrying a full plate of pastries. It was predictable.

The game show portion of the show, thank god didn't involve me as a contestant. I won't go into details, but one of the gals that was with us actually won and the gift prize bag included a small bottle of Jaeggermeister and some Red Bull. And kindly enough 4 plastic glasses. So we silently toasted Laura Jane from the back row. And let me tell you I thought Red Bull alone was bad. It's three times as bad mixed with Jaegger. bleckh.

So. I'm glad I went. It was amusing. Kudos to Laura Jane for getting out there and doing it-- whatever "it" is. She does appear to have an audience of regulars who enjoy her show and had lots of opportunities to laugh. It's just not for me.

As to an interview. Well, we'll see. I've got a May 18 deadline to mail my manuscript. So I don't really have the time right this minute to work on a radio show of any kind. Maybe next month.